Being Me*

Make your ego porous. Will is of little importance, complaining is nothing, fame is nothing. Openness, patience, receptivity, solitude is everything-

Over the past couple years of writing this blog-o-thing, I have alluded a few times to having chosen vulnerability as a path of spiritual practice for myself. Most recently when I wrote about the freedom of committing to a path, I wasn’t expecting to be pushed back to the very beginning. This is precisely what happened to me last weekend.

Last Saturday I was exposed to a unique set of circumstances that took some effort on my part to digest. Years of gentle practice has enabled me to go beyond my old, persistent way of being too hard on myself, pushing too far and letting my ego roam free. For the most part, I felt enormous tenderness towards the situation I put myself in. Every time I think of the pain I have caused myself and others, I feel an inner cringe. I’m not much fun to be around when I am so preoccupied with my fleeting thoughts; I feel less free, less open, less capable of loving. Where can I go to get relief?

In this moment, writing at ease, calm about the pain I subjected myself to. I am not in the least bit surprised at the events that occurred. One of the areas of challenging ourselves and changing behavior(s) for me personally is that I can revert back, in a split second, when I am under a lot of stress, when I am trying to ask my body to do something it physically cannot do … To a very dangerous place. Looking back now, all it means is that in certain challenging moments, I thought I was more present than I actually was.

I strive to share kindness towards myself and towards others. Why is this so hard?

Notes:

Now, as I am wrapping up this post, the confusion I so often have when I write about my personal struggles surfaces again. Why would anyone be interested in the intricacies of some random old dude’s life? How could this blog be of any meaning to anyone exploring a spiritual path?

Today Dear Reader, I see that new path arises off in the distance: How can I help you (and myself) embrace the possibility that some people may respond with love and appreciation? Please take a moment to read my heartfelt question again: How can I embrace the possibility of love and appreciation? How can I allow myself to take it in, to enjoy it, to rest in it?

* Tired, broken and completely laid bare … I place the future of CultFit in your hands.