The :Cosmic: Game

Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself-

What are we seeking when we engage in self-reflection along our path to discovering our true authentic self? I asked myself this question during a recent cycling event, one where I had quite a bit of time to think about “things” in life.

Stumbling upon my path to discovering my authentic self has been riddled by a myriad of close calls, disappointments, pain and yes: Suffering. Years of engaging in destructive behavior seemingly crushed me as a person and still haunt me, even as I proof read this post.

Everywhere I sought help and refuge, I was continually told the way to discover “who we really are” is to simply scrape away all the dreck that has been heaped upon ourselves over the years. Sounds easy enough right?!? If life were only as easy as reading a $5.99 self-help e-book or a top 10 list to discover your true self blog post. The more self-help advice and guidance I marinated in, the more I began to notice how self involved I was becoming. I gradually became concerned only with what affected me or only with that which is useful to, or focused primarily on myself. I started to make every day life “things” that were not about me, about me, and I became blind to world unfolding around me The more I looked inward, the more I tuned out. I stopped living life.

Each one of us has a self that is beautiful, flawed and unique. Each one of us are blessed with a complicated set of life experiences that no one else has. Our lives are an accumulation of experiences – both good, bad and the ugly. We are amazing – dynamic creatures, and we are continually a work in progress!

Daily Meditation:

These experiences, however, are the very “things” that the searching to reveal our true authentic in a book or whatever, toss to the side as unimportant or distracting. My path to an authentic self, starts with acknowledging my woeful self-deception, that I am my own worst enemy and bringing my Son along to a few cyclocross races last season helped to shed light on what matters the most to me in life (more on this next week).

I hope each of you reading today have an amazing weekend, take care and be well!

CultFit Deception

 


The Summer Ends

The summer ends, and it is time
To face another way. Our theme
Reversed, we harvest the last row
To store against the cold, undo
The garden that will be undone.
We grieve under the weakened sun
To see all earth’s green fountains dried,
And fallen all the works of light.
You do not speak, and I regret
This downfall of the good we sought
As though the fault were mine. I bring
The plow to turn the shattering
Leaves and bent stems into the dark,
From which they may return. At work,
I see you leaving our bright land,
The last cut flowers in your hand.

Wendell Berry

CultFit Summer


There Will Never Be Another :You:

The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are-

Does our reflection in a mirror define who we really are? What about the mirror at work, in the car, the one that magically adds twenty pounds at the department store? Becoming uncomfortable in some way or another with our own behavior, as our thoughts and emotions gradually take over. This discomfort, what we feel out in public, maybe Is another other aspect of who we really are, perhaps this is even our authentic self?!?

How do we know which reflection is real? Thoughts and feelings that originate from the authentic self, while uncomfortable at times, also bring us peace when we pause to listen, and accommodate the wishes of this kind and gentle voice.

As someone who has felt guilty about my appearance in one way or another throughout life, I begin to feel deep resentment even as I’m feeling guilty. I find myself uncomfortable with this resentment because it isn’t “kind” nor is it any “good This identity I’m striving for. Although, if I begin to see that the resentment is actually telling me that I’m doing “things” out of guilt and a false sense of responsibility, that I don’t quite have the compassion to accommodate, or even the desire … I might even allow it to help me choose to stop obeying the guilt as if it were the only right thing to do.

After a few moments, a deep breath or two – Peace, and this Peace is all the evidence I need of my true authentic self.

Daily Meditation:

At what point do we stop asking what is right in our lives, and  start asking what is real?

CultFit Dock


That Reminds Me

Just imagine yourself seated on a shadowy terrace,
And beside you is a girl who stirs you more strangely than an
heiress,
It is a summer evening at its most superb,
And the moonlight reminds you that To Love is an active verb.
And your hand clasps hers, which rests there without shrinking,
And after a silence fraught with romance you ask her what she is
thinking,
And she starts and returns from the moon-washed distances to the
shadowy veranda,
And says, Oh I was wondering how many bamboo shoots a day it
takes to feed a baby Giant Panda.
Or you stand with her on a hilltop and gaze on a winter sunset,
And everything is as starkly beautiful as a page from Sigrid Undset,
And your arm goes round her waist and you make an avowal
which for masterfully marshaled emotional content might have
been a page of Ouida’s or Thackeray’s,
And after a silence fraught with romance she says, I forgot to or-
der the limes for the Daiquiris.
Or in a twilight drawing room you have just asked the most mo-
mentous of questions,
And after a silence fraught with romance she says, I think this
little table would look better where that little table is, but
then where would that little table go, have you any sugges-
tions?
And that’s the way they go around hitting below our belts;
It isn’t that nothing is sacred to them, it’s just that at the Sacred
Moment they are always thinking of something else.

Ogden Nash

CultFit Chain


The Morning Room

Morning without you is a dwindled dawn-

*Written this past Wednesday at 0500*

I’m more than a little bit pissed off this morning. Primarily with myself (for ignoring my tight hamstrings and back for nearly two weeks), at our local utility company (for raising our rates again), at the lousy Nebraska weather forecasting people (for raising my hopes for nice biking weather), at some close friends I help train for not taking my advice about ultra marathon prep, and at my body once again (because it’s been barely three weeks and I’m lying on the floor covered with ice).

*Written five minutes ago*

Looking back at what I wrote last week, it just occurred to me that maybe my extreme frustration with “life” and the people around me, has at least as much to do with my own irritation(s) at the way I take care of, and treat myself. Interesting to think that if one is as gentle, kind and compassionate as one would like to be, one wouldn’t get quite so pissed off at the necessary trials of dealing with this thing called “life”

Daily Meditation:

I leave you with this – In one sentence – Who are you?

CultFit Morning