Look in my : Eyes :

You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life-

While cleaning the garage this past weekend, I came across a handful of Enduro – Mountain Bike race medals and tattered bibs from the nearly 4 years I spent living in the United Kingdom. I was preparing to pitch them in the bin outside when curiosity overcame me, I sat down on the warm west-facing front porch and started to look through them. On these worn and faded relics, I found a record of a life that seemed so impossibly exciting to me that I could hardly believe it had once been mine.

With my Son carelessly riding his bike with some neighborhood mates, I sat there, coffee in hand and reminisced about my life competing in England. When I meet fellow cyclist at a local coffee shop early on a Sunday morning, a recent swap meet or my favourite MTB trail head, they invariably inquire why I don’t compete at the same level now. The “thing” is, during nearly all of my years there, my heart longed to be somewhere else. It seems incredible when I think about it now, watching my Son creating long fluid skid marks in the road, when I’m holding objects such as this Thetford Forest MTB Racing Series podium medal, serves only to remind me of the seemingly rare and blessed glimpse of my days spent there.

Sitting here on the porch, I lowered my head knowing that I was still living in a place, a place I had vowed to return to only as a visitor. Feeling the cool March sunset fading away, I began to ponder whether my heart was simply hard-wired for discontent no matter where I found myself – Sipping coffee and preying to nameless yearnings that could never be fulfilled in Omaha, Nebraska. Could I gradually begin to honor my present “circumstances” instead of succumbing to fleeting, yet persistent longings for some imaginary, unrealistic and unattainable future? Could I, a lifelong have to “win at all costs” competitor, trade my anywhere-but-here perspective for enthusiasm about the here and now?

Daily Meditation:

I tossed the medals and bibs in the trash bin and placed my stained streaked coffee mug on top, sealing the contents inside. Hooked our now warm and cozy beagle up to his leash, grabbed a sweatshirt from inside the garage door, and proceed to tear up the now quiet neighborhood with my Son.

CultFit No More


12 Comments on “Look in my : Eyes :”

  1. chloemoss3 says:

    This is a lovely piece- very open and honest! Cx

  2. Mandy Moran says:

    Sometimes I think we have the power to change our destiny, other times I believe our life’s are totally mapped out…..
    Great post, thanks for sharing your deep thoughts… 🙂

  3. Mandy Moran says:

    Reblogged this on Skin Deep ~ Mandy Moran and commented:
    Deep, honest piece and makes you think about where we all are at any given moment in our own life’s.
    Sometimes I think we have the power to mould our destiny, whereas other times believe we are exactly where we are meant to be and our lives are totally mapped out for us….

    Brilliant writer… Originally posted on ‘Cultfit’

  4. katelon says:

    Love this post. I, too, can get caught up in…when the world is different….when MY world is different, and yet, I can also still enjoy delighting in the sound of a bird, the smell from some flower I’m passing by…….

  5. sara says:

    It is the human condition to be discontented I think, but we assume it has something to do with our outside circumstances 🙂 It doesn’t. And just because it is a human tendency, doesn’t mean that it can’t be overcome, in exactly the way you describe. Settling in to the present moment, practicing gratitude. Over and over again xo

    • CultFit says:

      Thank you for your patience and support as I feel out and try to convey these tricky thoughts of mine! As a dude, one who is thought to be uber competitive, its hard to convey to others how I have moved on in my life – both spiritual and physical. Tossing those memories in the bin served as a mea copa of sorts … I know what I’m about to write may be fleeting and woefully self serving every time I mention it to you, but – Thank you so much for your kindness and support 🙂

  6. I never would have come across this awesome piece if you had not visited my page. Thank you – this was spectacular.

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